I recently lost someone. Someone I held dear and now I’m going through the grieving process Writing I suppose is part of my therapy. It’s what I love and love to do. It’s been a long time since I lost someone but it’s always the same and never easy. The denial, the remorse, the regret, the guilt. Those feelings that make you paralyzed and pensive for a while as you seek sanctuary in solemnity, silence, and seclusion.
My friend filled so many lives. Pouring into each generously from that pitcher of love. I felt it was part of my duty, and honor to continue to fill my friend when that vessel was running low, so it would never be empty. So the nurturer could continue to fill others with hope and encouragement, and joy. But now I feel empty. Empty at the loss.
What will they do without my friend? What will I do? Could I have done more? Did I do too much? Did I think I was filling this soul to overflowing or was I drowning it? The questions, the denial, the guilt. They all lay heavy on my heart. I’ve been here before and know these questions will be answered with time. They always are…with time.
My friend has not actually passed but passed from me for a time or at least that’s the way I feel. I caused a rift and probably more than one that once again has brought us to that fork in the road of friendship. Perhaps this is temporary and we will find our way back to sharing the same road once more…perhaps not. I pray it is not the latter. It has happened before but for now I grieve. I grieve for my friend and my loss. I know it’s a process that can’t be rushed but God I wish it was over. I wish it was over now.
Elton John’s song, “Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding” is describing love as a living thing which has been mortally wounded, and all you can do is hold it for a little while until it dies. I didn’t really understand the song until I went through a divorce after 33 years of marriage. Then it made perfect sense. It touches a nerve we can all relate to. I know I can.
The plant has a unique quality, after the plant is picked and dies, it does not lose its color. So to me the meaning is that even over time, the impact of the tragedy is still felt, lessened, but still there. When tragedy hits us, we slowly recover, the pain lessens, but the scar is always there.
Remorse and regrets should be devoured quickly. Like junk food they do not nourish but eat away at us from the inside out. Feed yourself with friendships and fond memories. Dwell not on the bad that has happened but the good that has come out of it. With these thoughts you will fill your pitcher and can fill the pitcher of others. Loss is only a loss if you’ve learned nothing from the experience.
Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding
music by Elton John
words by Bernie Taupin
The roses in the window box
Have tilted to one side
Everything about this house
Was born to grow and die
Oh it doesn’t seem a year ago
To this very day
You said I’m sorry honey
If I don’t change the pace
I can’t face another day
And love lies bleeding in my hand
Oh it kills me to think of you with another man
I was playing rock and roll and you were just a fan
But my guitar couldn’t hold you
So I split the band
Love lies bleeding in my hands
I wonder if those changes
Have left a scar on you
Like all the burning hoops of fire
That you and I passed through
You’re a bluebird on a telegraph line
I hope you’re happy now
Well if the wind of change comes down your way girl
You’ll make it back somehow