Dear Diary…

Journal Entry June 19, 2017, 9:52 AM
(Because Raw is the new Real.)

Thank you for the warm welcome back my old friend. You are always so gracious and patient with me regardless of how long it’s been since my last visit!

It’s been a while. I know there is a story in here somewhere but I wonder if it’s one worth writing? You know me too well. My writing is not strictly based on value although I believe most of it has value. I write because I must. I write because it is who I am. I suppose the question I meant to ask is; Is it worth sharing? Is this worth sharing? Sharing with the one who caused the pain I now feel. The one who is not even aware of the pain. Would the injury heal any faster if I did or is this just another lesson learned as I prepare for new teachers that will doubtless come into my life? Perhaps this is a story to be told in general terms to the masses because I surely can not be the only one that feels this way.  Everyone has a story.

This is a story of disappointment. Disappointment is being sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one’s hopes or expectations.

I was not disappointed in the message but disappointed in the way I found out.
I was not disappointed in the messenger. A friend who has always had my best interest at heart.
I was disappointed the message did not come from the source. A message I thought they would be bursting with excitement to share. They were willing to share with the world but not with me.
I was disappointed. I thought that our friendship was deeper. Maybe it was…just deeper for me.
It made me question if I had even earned the right to be disappointed or was I simply being overly sensitive.

Whether I had earned the right or not I was going to give myself the same benefit of the doubt that I offer others until they prove they are undeserving. I am disappointed. I am sad. I am in pain. I hurt and yes…I am angry. The type of anger that makes you clench your fist but not throw a punch. The type of anger that makes your whole body shake wondering if that anger should be directed at the situation or at myself because I was too blinded by a beautiful brilliance to explain to my heart how it would feel when the light was extinguished and I watched the smoke drift skyward and disappear into the air. Yes, I feel wounded and a little betrayed but as Rumi would say;

“The wound is the place that light enters you.”

There is some comfort in this. Light illuminates and illumination leads to understanding. Wounds leave scars but for the most part, wounds heal. The scars are left as visible reminders of what we have learned. What we’ve learned about disappointment, pain, and healing.

When I scraped my knee as a kid I remember Mom gently wiping the dirt away, carefully placing a bandage over the wound, kissing me on the forehead and saying, “There…good as new!” I think back now, it wasn’t good as new it was better than new! Better because of love. Love. We need to do a better job of that especially with ourselves. How often when asked, “Who do you love?” does your own name rise to the top of the list? Rarely if you’re anything like me but it should. It’s OK. It’s selfish but not self-centered. Love never is and you cannot give away what you do not have.

So, how am I? Maybe the question should be how are you. It’s a process and as much as we’d like to pay for a shortcut or skip steps it just doesn’t work that way. You have to make your way through each stage. Some stages will go quickly. Some will go slowly but each will possess you for the time you need them.

death-of-a-design-5-stages-of-grief-5-638

Denial? No, I admit it…I’m disappointed.
Anger? Yes, but my fist are no longer clenched and my body no longer shakes.
Bargaining? Perhaps. I struggle with this.
Depression? No, just disappointed. Very disappointed and sad.
Acceptance? Not total acceptance but I’m getting there.

So dear diary what have I learned from our time together?

1. Disappointments are part of life. Realistically setting your expectations can help dictate the amount of disappointment. Set them too high and disappointment will rule your life. Set them too low and you will not experience all that life has to offer.
2. Don’t give up on hope. After all, it’s one of the things that got you this far!

Thanks for the chat…I needed this.

8 responses to “Dear Diary…

  1. Hello, Dear Diary…my friend is hurting. Can you please remind him that I (little ole’ me) treasures him? Thanks, Bunches! Love, Me

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    • So you’re the anonymous “Someone!” How does the song go? “There’s a saying old says that love is blind. Still we’re often told, seek and ye shall find…” Of course the Linda Ronstadt version is my favorite. Thanks for the reminder.

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  2. He is the potter, we are the clay. There is no experience in life that does not contribute to the fullness of who we each become. He is the master weaver, skillfully combining the colors of sunshine, and hues of anger and disappointment …and allows the reactions and responses of our lives to contribute to the masterpiece He makes of each of our lives. Be blessed, and keep on writing…it adds purpose to your life

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  3. Regretfully, I must say, I haven’t come to your blog in quite some time. However, it is just as impacting as I remember. This latest insert is deep! I loved this one because you addressed a personal problem without being to direct. You allowed our minds to wander & left room for us to fill-in the blanks with our own situations (where applicable). That is awesome! You’re a great writer! Thanks for sharing.

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    • Thank you, Ian,

      Thanks for being one of my fans in the stands! Sure, the dream I am working toward is to be a paid writer but appreciation is a good first payment to get started with.

      On the Journey,

      Carey

      Like

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