Journal Entry June 19, 2017, 9:52 AM
(Because Raw is the new Real.)
Thank you for the warm welcome back my old friend. You are always so gracious and patient with me regardless of how long it’s been since my last visit!
It’s been a while. I know there is a story in here somewhere but I wonder if it’s one worth writing? You know me too well. My writing is not strictly based on value although I believe most of it has value. I write because I must. I write because it is who I am. I suppose the question I meant to ask is; Is it worth sharing? Is this worth sharing? Sharing with the one who caused the pain I now feel. The one who is not even aware of the pain. Would the injury heal any faster if I did or is this just another lesson learned as I prepare for new teachers that will doubtless come into my life? Perhaps this is a story to be told in general terms to the masses because I surely can not be the only one that feels this way. Everyone has a story.
This is a story of disappointment. Disappointment is being sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one’s hopes or expectations.
I was not disappointed in the message but disappointed in the way I found out.
I was not disappointed in the messenger. A friend who has always had my best interest at heart.
I was disappointed the message did not come from the source. A message I thought they would be bursting with excitement to share. They were willing to share with the world but not with me.
I was disappointed. I thought that our friendship was deeper. Maybe it was…just deeper for me.
It made me question if I had even earned the right to be disappointed or was I simply being overly sensitive.
Whether I had earned the right or not I was going to give myself the same benefit of the doubt that I offer others until they prove they are undeserving. I am disappointed. I am sad. I am in pain. I hurt and yes…I am angry. The type of anger that makes you clench your fist but not throw a punch. The type of anger that makes your whole body shake wondering if that anger should be directed at the situation or at myself because I was too blinded by a beautiful brilliance to explain to my heart how it would feel when the light was extinguished and I watched the smoke drift skyward and disappear into the air. Yes, I feel wounded and a little betrayed but as Rumi would say;
“The wound is the place that light enters you.”
There is some comfort in this. Light illuminates and illumination leads to understanding. Wounds leave scars but for the most part, wounds heal. The scars are left as visible reminders of what we have learned. What we’ve learned about disappointment, pain, and healing.
When I scraped my knee as a kid I remember Mom gently wiping the dirt away, carefully placing a bandage over the wound, kissing me on the forehead and saying, “There…good as new!” I think back now, it wasn’t good as new it was better than new! Better because of love. Love. We need to do a better job of that especially with ourselves. How often when asked, “Who do you love?” does your own name rise to the top of the list? Rarely if you’re anything like me but it should. It’s OK. It’s selfish but not self-centered. Love never is and you cannot give away what you do not have.
So, how am I? Maybe the question should be how are you. It’s a process and as much as we’d like to pay for a shortcut or skip steps it just doesn’t work that way. You have to make your way through each stage. Some stages will go quickly. Some will go slowly but each will possess you for the time you need them.
Denial? No, I admit it…I’m disappointed.
Anger? Yes, but my fist are no longer clenched and my body no longer shakes.
Bargaining? Perhaps. I struggle with this.
Depression? No, just disappointed. Very disappointed and sad.
Acceptance? Not total acceptance but I’m getting there.
So dear diary what have I learned from our time together?
1. Disappointments are part of life. Realistically setting your expectations can help dictate the amount of disappointment. Set them too high and disappointment will rule your life. Set them too low and you will not experience all that life has to offer.
2. Don’t give up on hope. After all, it’s one of the things that got you this far!
Thanks for the chat…I needed this.